Over 10 months, I lifted heavy weights, ran mile after mile, and lost 50 pounds and 33+ inches. Over those same 10 months, I also fought daily (and still do sometimes) to claw my way out of depression, I worked endlessly on my mindset and heart, prayed fiercely, and fought against habits I had built over a lifetime.
Want to know which battle took the most out of me? Which one left me feeling like I couldn’t possibly take another step? Losing weight is HARD work, but in order to be successful, you have to put in the HEART work. And that work? Gosh, it is a whole different battle in itself – because you can’t always see the wounds you’re healing or the strength you’re gaining or the way you’re changing.
The truth is, you can lose ALL the weight and gain ALL the muscle and still be completely unhappy. There were seasons where I was 50+ lbs heavier, but my heart was on fire for life and I loved myself completely. And there were seasons where I had lost the weight and still cried myself to sleep because my heart hurt so bad, and I couldn’t quiet the negative voices in my head. If we are honest with ourselves, it isn’t a number on the scale or a ‘goal’ dress we so desperately desire to squeeze into – it is that truest, most beautiful self you imagine that you deeply desire.
My truest, most beautiful self? She doesn’t really have a goal size, she just wants to be comfortable in her own skin. She wants to have self-control over her food and emotions. She wants to walk up a flight of stairs or run after her nieces and nephews without being winded. She wants to wake up on a Saturday morning and crave her shoes hitting the pavement. She wants a strong, healthy body that she can carry strong, healthy babies to term in.
The weight? Frankly, I could give a flying f*ck. #SorryMom
But I didn’t always feel that way, and you might not either. I cared too much about the weight loss, that I ended up losing myself in my disappointment time after time. The scale was going down, my clothes were fitting better, but I still couldn’t understand why I was so unhappy and disappointed….
Until I realized that my heart’s desires were more than the weight. Until I realized the HARDEST part of my journey would be done in the hours of the night when I couldn’t sleep or crying alone in my car. Until I realized that God desired to change the inside of me the most, my heart.
The work I’ve done on my heart and mind is so dang hard…. But it is the right kind of hard. And honestly, the weight has NOTHING to do with it.
You’ve got this,
Mikayla
